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Excuses, excuses

04/16/09

There’s something about being late to work that makes most people pucker.

To me, being late to work is a way of life. . . somewhat like breathing or cussing when I play Parcheesi.

Just ask my boss, who quit looking at the clock about a decade ago, in anxious anticipation of my arrival.

I’m not arrogant about it, it’s just that my body believes that there is no number before 8 in the a.m. portion of the day and my mind, like a slave, follows.

The sunshiny side of this is. . . I get my work done, because if I didn’t you wouldn’t be reading these words.

I’ve got that going for me.

Leader editor and brother, Kevin, sent me a link last week to a CNN.com story which was entitled “Twelve amusing excuses for being late to work.”

Not knowing if he was trying to aid and abet my tardiness with some fresh excuses or just to prove that there were people who could come up with something better than “I got stopped by the police...again,” I read the story.

And, I found some new and usable excuses.

Every day I arrive at work between 8:45 and 9:30. . . a.m. After I put my belongings in my work area, I mumble the day’s excuse while I’m heading out the door to City Cafe for one last jolt of caffeine before the work day begins.

My best excuses to date have been:

. . . the police stopped me. . . again.

. . . I hate the time change. (Note: this one can work up to 6 weeks after the time change. After that, find a new one.)

. . . the cows got out and I had to round them up and fix the fence. In a white dress.

. . .I locked my car keys in the house with my house key on the key ring and my kids used my super secret hidden outdoor key the week before and didn’t put it back in it’s super secret location.

. . . the ‘Pop Tart’ setting on my toaster malfunctioned.

. . . I’m late?

. . . I could hear my cat, I just couldn’t find him.

. . . this hair doesn’t straighten itself.

And, just this morning. . . my coffee displayed a delayed kick-in reaction.

These excuses are all real, and while I encourage you to use them at will, I won’t guarantee the results. Mine have been sketchy, at best.

CNN.com had better excuses by far, some of which included:

1. My heat was shut off so I had to stay home to keep my snake warm.

2. I was locked in the trunk by my son.

3. My left turn signal was out so I had to make all right turns to get to work.

4. I feel like I’m in everyone’s way if I show up to work on time.

5. My husband thinks it’s funny to hide my car keys before he goes to work.

And, 6. I had to go to bingo.

After receiving this windfall of excuses, I turned to my friends who gave me some of their favorites that they either used or as bosses, were told.

Several mentioned the famous short-lived “stomach virus,” which I consider too easy and not creative enough.

However I did get “my daughter’s goldfish died this morning and we had a funeral service at the garbage disposal;” and “Someone switched the tags on my Garanimals.”

And my all-time personal favorite that a newspaper editor in Oregon heard from a former employee, “My dog is (in heat) and I’m afraid she’ll get bred if I don’t keep an eye on her.”
That excuse alone has me considering a delay in getting my dog, Miss Mollie, spayed.