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Around the animal world with Kari and Kevin

Kari: Kevin...with the 2008 Summer Olympics in full swing and the presidential election riveting us with fresh rhetoric on an hour-by-hour basis, it seems only natural that we should discuss what’s going on in the animal world, globally.
I feel qualified to discuss this because I own a cat and have part interest in two dogs, and I’ve spent an obscene amount of time researching animal news around the world when I was supposed to be working.

Kevin: It appears you are setting me up, Kari, given the fact I am responsible for (don’t actually own) a dozen Cash Street cats (anybody need a kitten?), part-ownership in two dogs and a bird, and past experience with a large number of all-the-above. But you are wanting to visit about animals on a global scale, so go ahead ... hit me.

Kari: Glad you asked. For instance, did you know that a woman in Acapulco, Mexico, fought off a 500-pound lion (as in king of the jungle) with a machete while riding a donkey down the road.

You heard me right.

I’m thinking this could replace softball in the Olympics, and Mexico could win more gold.

Oh, and as an interesting sidenote, the Lion was an escapee from a local zoo and killed two dogs and ate a pig before being sedated and taken back to the zoo.
PETA might be a little peeved at the Lion for killing those innocent animals, but they will most certainly have a big frowny-face next to the woman’s name for using a machete against an innocent lion.

I don’t know if that Mexican women would have the upperhand if that sport makes it to the Olympics. I mean, can you imagine Shawnee Raines with a machete, riding a donkey, and ticked off? Forget one lion. She could take on the whole pride.
Score one for America, as long as the women are from Texas, and ticked off about something.

Kari: Great point there, Bub. Actually, I can imagine Shawnee Raines in that scenario with no malice in her heart whatsoever, just a true competitive spirit and the promise of free publicity and karaoke. Which is what Texas women are all about.
I, myself, would try out for the “Lion slaying on donkeyback” Olympic team. And, I think I could make it provided somebody told me the lion said something ugly about one of my kids or someone I love. Or, if the lion ate the last of my Honey Nut Cheerios. Either one equals gold.

Thinking a little deeper about this – which in of itself is pretty weird – the lion isn’t a stupid animal. I can see them evolving in subsequent Olympics, and they’ll start to play on your emotions. Like laying on their backs and purring until you get within striking range because you all of a sudden want to pet them more than whack them with a machete. Or they’ll try to give you flowers, or a Wal-Mart gift card.

Anything to get close.

Kari: Good thinking, Dr. Doolittle. That could work with Texas women, who love nothing more than sweet kitty cats, flowers and Wal-Mart. And if we’re stereotyping here –– which I believe we are – the medals could be belt buckels the size of dinner plates.

Time is running short, and we should get on to my next entry of animal news around the globe.

Did you know that in Jerusalem this past week a turtle with paralyzed back legs was fitted with a custom skateboard to help her get around. Word has it that she has begun mating since she can now sashay around the turtle enclosure, which I believe makes her a “tartle.”

That is just sick commentary, and I believe many in the turtle kingdom will be offended and threaten to cancel their Leader subscriptions. I’m happy they are reported to be in an enclosure, because a turtle roaming around the Holy City on a skateboard would be just a little much for the tourists and townspeople alike. And isn’t there a big dropoff just before the Wailing Wall?

Kari: Again, excellent point. Now let’s get off of land and into the waters near Sydney, Australia. Did you know a lost humpback whale calf lost it’s Mom there, and has adopted a yacht as it’s new Mommy? All I can say is its old Mommy must have been rich and raised the calf’s standard of living.

Sadly, the calf received no response when it tried to nurse on the yacht, and the cavier thrown overboard did not do the trick.

The parks and wildlife people there fear the calf will not survive if they cannot locate another mother to adopt it. According to them, artificial feeding and caviar will not work.

Kevin: Why not? It worked for me. When Mom stopped feeding me, I survived on Tang and Post Toasties.

Seriously, though, I feel for that calf. You didn’t mention what kind of whale it was. Maybe they have some in captivity, and there’s a surrogate Mom waiting and willing to feed the pup.

Kari: It’s a Humpback whale with bad eyesight, and I will let them know about your idea when they call and ask.

A dissappointing sidenote to this column is that the discovery of the dead body of Sasquatch in the northern Georgia mountains last week turned out to be nothing more than a hoax.

I know, I was shocked too.

Initially, two guys said they found the body and were holding it in a freezer pending DNA results. The two results they reported last Friday were: 1) 94% human and 2) Oppossum. I was betting on the possum, and it was just acting like it was dead. However, they were lying, and it was nothing more than the DNA of a rubber ape suit.

The things some people will do to be featured on the cover of Guns & Ammo, and get free Moon Pies for a year.

Kevin: The same thing will be said in November about McCain and Lieberman.

You had to take something beautiful and make it ugly.

Kevin: Guilty, with pleasure.

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