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Keeping your colon skinny
no easy feat during the holidays

12/11/08

I love the Christmas season.

I love the lights everyone but me has put up on their homes.

I love to give the gifts I’m going to give, once I finally buy them.

I love the Christmas music I listen to all by my lonesome, because my kids classify it as “nails on a chalkboard” to their ears.

I love the food and candy that comes with the season and helps helps my rear end reach it’s full potential.

On that last thought I, along with my growing posterior, would like to take this unique opportunity to thank those who have provided sustenance for us at the Leader with their gifts of holiday candy, cookies and other variations of health foods.

This week, Joanne Gould became my personal hero when she brought a huge tin of Christmas candy to the Leader office, including chocolate covered cherries and something that was chocolate and kind of crispy crunchy.

I don’t know what the crispy crunch things are called but I ate all of them trying to figure it out. I’m still working on the chocolate covered cherries.

In fact, I’m finishing off the first bag of cherries as I write, and they are delightful.

Halfway through devouring the crispy-crunchy chocolately portion of the tin, my Christmas parade was rained on.

I received an email from somebody named Colonmed offering me a complimentary colon cleansing to rid that organ of excess weight.

Since it, along with an email advertisement for “Snuggies” (which are nothing more than ridiculous looking blanket sleepers for adults) made it past my very discerning SPAM email catching device, I figured I should read it.

First, I didn’t realize until that very second that my colon was fat.

And second, I didn’t know a colon cleansing complimented anything.

I rushed into my editor’s office, stood sideways, and asked her if my colon looked fat to her.

This is nothing new to her since an incident last February in which I tried to get her to clean a toilet with Coca-Cola after an informative email I received.

She told me my colon didn’t look fat to her, but my New Year’s resolution should be to not look at my backside in a full-length mirror until March or so.

She finished with her signature December phrase, “you have chocolate on your lip.”

With only two weeks left until Christmas and six months until swimsuit season, it is now my hope that someone invents chocolate-flavored carrot sticks which will cure a potentially fat colon.